Review Twilight

A while ago, I felt the desire to come in contact again with my neglected feminine side. Thus I have laid my hands on Twilight, a vampire flick. Seeing history produced one good vampire movie and a myriad of pretentious vomit piles, statistics show that Twilight probably fits best in the latter category.

On to the story. Our main character is Bella Swan, a seventeen year old girl with a fetish for vampires. She moves in with her father who gives her an old car as welcome gift. The moment she enters the school's playground she is greeted with Homeric laughter and is subject to ridicule.
It's probably because I am not a young American twat and because my sweet sixteen present was a DVD instead of a Lamborghini and a party with 2000 fake MySpace friends, that I fail to see why. In Europe everyone would be impressed if you'd have a car even if it was held together by a roll of duct tape and collective willpower.

Now that the clichéd high school problems have appeared, it can't get any worse, right? Wrong. In the school canteen she meets Edward and even from a distance it is obvious that he is a vampire. Their first meeting in class is pretty awkward as Edward behaves as if he just broke wind and he quickly runs away. Later that day Bella almost gets hit by B.A. Baracus who tries to run her over with his A-Team van. Fortunately, she gets saved by Edward who stops the car with his hand, violating all the laws of physics. Edward, who looks like he just stepped out of a wind tunnel, falls in love with her and some day later they go to the forest together.

This is where all the whining starts. Nosferatu says that he is a monster and that she can't love him and she says she doesn't care. Then - and I am serious - they stare at each other for 5 minutes. NOTHING happens. I can imagine that if I'd be in the cinema I'd hear the popping sound of ovulation everywhere around me of aroused fourteen year old girls while I'd cry for my masculinity and watch my testicles shrink to the size of a pea.

The pretentious Platonic love play continues with them lying in the grass and doing nothing. Fast forwarding brings us to the vampire family playing baseball: a hilarious sport which is basically normal baseball only everyone is on steroids. Then some other vampires show up and they want to kill Bella. They fail and the movie ends.

All in all, Twilight is full of pretentiousness. Where Bram Stoker's Dracula was an epic masterpiece, Twilight is the mentally retarded sister with teen problems, a horrendous love story, and vampires sticking out like a Christmas tree in the desert. Do not watch if you are older than 15.

This movie gets a 4/10.