Ulli Lommel: Jack off of all trades

In the kingdom of Ass, Uwe Boll is the Jester, Bruno Mattei is the equerry and keeper of the harem, Michael Bay is the wizard who specializes in explosions, Tommy Wiseau is the fool, and Ulli Lommel is king.

You've probably never heard of this guy, but Ulli Lommel may well be one of the worst directors in the history of mankind. He is to movie making what agent orange is to trees. If you look on imdb, you'll see that most of his movies are rated between 1.4 and 2.0. These are legendary scores that Dr. Boll could only dream of.

Having seen some of his movies, like Zombie Nation and D.C. Sniper, I can safely say why these movies are rated this low. His movies are fucking BORING. It looks like the editor OD'd right after the title screen, because nothing gets cut out. You'll just see asinine dialog and 90 minutes of random footage from a single point of view. Even the president of the European Union is more interesting than this guy!

These movies have got no redeeming qualities. His story lines are completely shallow and transparent, like the girls from Sex and the City (more on that later). The absolute bottom of every flick is when Ulli himself enters the scene. Even if you don't know what he looks like, you instantly recognize that something is off about that new actor. Moments later you'll realize that it must be him, because it is obvious that the director's seat has been abandoned.

Zombie Nation
His first movie that's on the conveyor belt of this digital abattoir, is Zombie Nation. Zombie Nation is about a cop who fancies arresting women, killing them and dumping their bodies in the desert. One lady expects that she's next so she lets a couple of hilarious Voodoo Priestesses protect her from evil. Unfortunately for her, their mumbo jumbo doensn't do jack shit, so she gets murdered just like the rest of the bunch. But then (surprise!) all of the cop's victims rise from the sand and are going after him. We are talking about five people here. Five zombies. Five zombies are what Ulli calls a nation. That's the first disappointment of this movie, the fucking title. I was expecting some sort of invasion of zombies, not five mentally retarded zombies which even fat Steven Seagal could easily kill!

The second disappointment is that the box art zombie looks nothing like the zombies in the movie. The movie ones make you believe that the makeup artist has Parkinson's disease. Their eye-shadow is all over the place. It looks like somebody spray-painted Zorro's mask on their faces. Apart from the ridiculous makeup there are no visual features that makes them look dead. Most of the time they wear sunglasses that partly cover that mess on their face, so that's not helping either.

They walk slowly. Obnoxiously slowly. Compared to them a desert turtle is the Roadrunner on speed. They realize that themselves, so they stop a car. The driver thinks he just scored because he picked up two hot chicks. The only thing strange of course is the eye thingy, but I guess he just figured they were going to a Twilight convention. But little does he know, the girls are zombies who will quickly bite his tongue off (very unrealistically) and will ditch him in the desert!

They use the vehicle to travel to the Voodoo ladies, from which they hear the shocking news that they are zombies. Oh no, who would have guessed... The priestesses explain that they should form their own nation and declare independence. Okay I made that bit up, they are supposed to get their revenge.

From now on things get blurry in my head. I guess I haven't had enough caffeine pills to keep me going. Anyway, the cop has a feeling that shit will soon hit the fan. In his hideout, he is visited by a rather peculiar man in a silly hat. And then you realize it: it's him! FUCK NO! What happens next is one of the worst moments ever recorded on tape. Ulli asks the cop if it's safe. And then he asks it again. And again. And this just keeps on going and going. Torturing us with the endless repetition of the same monotonous line: "Is it safe?" And then finally the cop cracks and shouts "No it is not safe!". Unfortunately, I can't find any footage of this online, apart from this remix.

The rest of the movie is not important. We've had the worst scene, and from now on we're just there to watch the plot deflate like a balloon shaped like a turd.

D.C. Sniper
The other movie is D.C. Sniper. This one is about a guy killing people with a sniper from the back of his car. That's it. And it's not a good thing when the plot can fit on a post-it note. We see several killings, some with a rifle from space, because the blood spatter appears before the trigger is pulled! Again, the editing is an absolute nightmare, and to make matters worse Ulli makes an appearance as a detective. This time he has found another stupid hat to wear and he is wearing a suit that looks like it's a remnant from the eighties. Advice: don't watch this one. It will only make you sad.

To conclude, he is probably the worst director ever, seeing that he has a whole portfolio of abominable films on his name. His movies are much worse than Bruno Mattei's. Those movies had the promise of bestiality and fine mondo scenes that kept everyone entertained. Ulli's flicks are for the people who are convinced that editing is for pussies and that every scene must be filmed in one shot.

Before I end this review, I think I have to take something back. Ulli Lommel could never be a king of anything, not even if he'd wear a Burger King crown and invade the nearest play ground. Is it safe? NO IT IS NOT SAFE!